Thursday, June 26, 2008

Swedish Woman Marries the Berlin Wall

While we are featuring June brides, undying love, and weddings, we could not help but notice the following headline:

Swedish Woman Marries the Berlin Wall

Well, okay, you’re hearing a lot right now about June brides because, well, it’s June!

And we blog about it here because everybody who gets married or falls in love wants to look good for the object of their affection and often take advantage of rejuvenation surgery.

But love, and those ensuing nuptials, can take many forms.

Moreover, it’s not always a guy and a gal that marry. For instance, you may be reading a lot about gay and lesbian marriages becoming legal in California. And some people afflicted with a strange new obsession known as objectophilia, become fascinated over, fall in love with, and even marry inanimate objects.

Like Eija-Riitta Elkoef-Mauer, a Swedish woman who first visited the Berlin Wall in 1979. She legally changed her name to “Berliner-Mauer” (German for “Berlin Wall”) after visiting six times and then declaring herself legally wedded to the concrete and barbed wire structure. And, yes, she was just crushed (no, not literally) when the wall came tumbling down. Read more.

Berlin Wall before its (his?) nuptials.
(Stefan photo)

On her website, the bereft Eija explains: “My husband’s job was to divide East and West Berlin. He’s retired now.”

Meanwhile, a woman in Germany whom Spiegel Magazine will only identify as Sandy K., claims to have fallen in love with New York City’s World Trade Center Twin Towers when she was eight years old. (Why is it distant things are often so-o-o-o- much more attractive?) And Sandy, too, felt let down on 9-11. She didn’t even have a chance to get engaged.

The former World Trade Center in the background in New York City
(New York Tourist Authority photo)

The Canvas blogger observes a plot line about objectophilia was used in T.V’s Boston Legal when one of the lawyers mentioned he had a client who had been in love with an electricity switch box. And one blogger Storyteller mentions a woman who was so attracted to a new ‘fridge that she wanted to get intimate with it. (If you have any technical questions about that, please hesitate to ask. I can’t figure it out either.)

Despite a dearth of weddings, objectophilia is probably a real phenomenon because there is even a movie, Lars and the Real Girl, about a lonely but sensitive man who falls head over heels for a mail-order, inflatable doll.

Well, love may conquer all but it sure won’t provide plastic surgery for that love interest! Hey, she’s already plastic! Besides, she doesn’t heal well. There’s also a priest in the movie who often smiles indulgently at the 27-year-old who totes around the plastic love doll. But we won’t give away the surprise ending!

Lars and his significant, inflatable, other. A more attractive match
than with the Berlin Wall, huh?
( photo)

We were curious if maybe these people get their noses fixed to look better to their significant others? Then again, the ‘fridge (or wall, building or electric box) doesn’t care if your nose is long or short. As far as I can tell, those items don’t care about anything.

But hey, this obsession is really not so strange, after all. If you see the motion picture version of Sex and the City, you’ll find four seemingly sane professional women who have raised footwear to the level of passionate desire. And what about Imelda Marcos? Didn’t she have something like 97 zillion pairs of shoes?

(Squidonius photo)

Next: Top 10 Weird Uses for Botox

Friday, June 13, 2008

June Weddings: Plastic Surgery’s Time to Shine

Liposuction and Breast Augmentation for Brides!
Facial Plastic Surgery for Mothers of the Brides!

Who is this woman and why is she pictured here?

Okay, we have joked around a lot, pulled your leg a little and brought you a ton of off-the-wall items about plastic and cosmetic surgery.

But now we bring you something that remains very much on-the-wall, as well as a serious matter to the 2.2 million* weddings that will take place in 2008: it is the…hold for trumpets sounding in the background... June wedding!

Plastic Surgery

Many wedding planners are recommending adding into the already astronomical budget for the nuptials an allowance for plastic surgery procedures, even if it’s only a vial or two of Botox. The average U.S. wedding now costs $28,000* and that’s before any surgical rejuvenations.

But don’t take my word for it. Read more about how plastic surgery has become as huge of an issue as…the wedding dress?

Back to the woman pictured above. She is Lynn Plante. Official title: Mother of the Bride. She and thousands like her are so feared and respected that even tough Mafia dons quake in their patent leathers. Woe betide he or she who crosses the Mother of the Bride and the planning of The Wedding!

Lynn is actually a brave, brave woman because she is undergoing four plastic surgery procedures so that she can look her best in her daughter’s wedding pictures which will be taken on July 18, 2008. Providing everything goes according to plan, that is. (READ: Nobody gets cold feet!)

Like General Eisenhower, who planned and oversaw the D-Day invasion, any Mother of the Bride oversees and plans an operation equally as complex. No wonder she looks worried!

The Cost of Plastic Surgery

Here’s another tidbit that tells you what a remarkable woman Lynn is: Over many years, Lynn has saved just a little from each paycheck to put toward the cost of plastic surgery, just so she can look her best at the wedding. After all, wedding pictures are handed down for generations, you know.

Anyhow, we’ll follow Lynn and the approaching Big Day while bringing you up to date on her continually improving appearance. Lynn only admits to being “in her late 50s,” so we will see how her appearance improves. Will she look 40ish in the wedding pictures? Refreshed? Rested? Younger than the Bride, maybe?

Emily Cannon on The Big Day
(Photo, Courtesy of Emily Cannon)

Read how a plastic surgeon saved the day when Emily Cannon’s breast augmentation came undone – resulting in a condition often referred to as a “uniboob” – just before her wedding.

Meanwhile: here’s my favorite wedding toast from the last (and I do mean last!) time I got married:

“Here’s to the Bride, Here’s to the Groom, Here’s to the Mother-in-law!
Let’s just hope there’s never a need for an attorney-at-law!”

--Old Irish Wedding Toast

And my favorite advice about weddings comes from actor Mickey Rooney, who walked down the aisle eight times:

“Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day!”

*Statistics, courtesy of The Wedding Report, Inc.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Top 10 Most Outrageous Plastic Surgery Items

In any new industry, many novelty items are developed early, and quickly put into use by adoring fans and then go the way of the Dodo bird.

For instance, cars once had little ovens attached to their exhaust manifolds for cooking while you travel. When steam powered cars were popular, just after the turn of the 19th century, one thoughtful auto maker installed a steam-powered organ as a pricey option in the backseat.

But, alas, roadside restaurants came into vogue, eliminating the need for cooking while driving and car radios made any type of traveling musical instrument unneeded.

You can find the same trend taking place in rejuvenation surgery worldwide.

So, if you don’t look quick, these top 10 plastic surgery novelty items may be gone before you know it:

1. Breast Massage Robot

( illustration.)

Its purpose doesn’t seem real clear, but this machine from China purports to automatically massage the breasts of the person sitting in it. One of its supposed uses is to relieve the post-op pain associated with breast augmentation.

2.Cool Mask

(Aqueduct Medical photo)

Sure, you could do the job with a bag of frozen peas flopped on rejuvenated eyelids or a freshly lifted mid-face, but it’s much cooler -- both stylistically and thermally -- to circulate cold water through a high-tech device to remove any surgical sting. Besides that, what’s wrong with going incognito? Do you want everybody to know about your surgery? The incognito thing apparently worked well for Zorro and the “Phantom of the Opera”; let’s just hope bank robbers don’t start using them!

3.Patented Baldness Technique

( illustration)

Another invention registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office lays claim to the technique we now know as the “combover” to conceal baldness. Sure, you could call it The Donald Trump, but that name is also trademarked and copyright protected. And woe betide he or she who misuses that moniker! The Donald would hire you just for the pleasure of firing you!

4.Traveling Hair Scrap Book

(Academy of Natural Sciences photo)

While we’re on the topic of hair, one thing every school child has always wanted to see: 200-year-old locks of hair from the first 12 U.S. presidents. Those snippets were taken long before anybody ever thought of hair restoration or, apparently, hair dye. For instance, George Washington’s sample is brown-gray, while Thomas Jefferson’s locks are reddish-gray. Titles weren’t exactly nailed down yet either. The second U.S. president was known as “His Excellency, John Adams.” Monroe, John Quincy Adams, and Jackson were also “His Excellencies.”

5.Roll CIT device

(Des Fernandes, M.D. photo)

If you perceive this to be a shrunken model of the lawn device that rolls across your grass to create drainage holes, you’ve got the concept. But this gizmo is approved for home use; you just roll this across your face as it is slathered with some vitamin A and other minerals. The Roll CIT (“Collagen Induction Therapy”) apparently replaces the need for chemical peels, dermabrasion or laser ablation. The device makes hundreds of tiny needle holes to allow fresh collagen to flow to the surface, thereby removing sun damages, fine lines, wrinkles, acne scars, and other facial marring.

6.Vacuum Pump Breast Augmentation

(Daily Mirror photo)

Above, notice we’ve carefully airbrushed the model’s actual, ah, mammary glands to make this fit for family viewing. The vacuum device -- basically two plastic domes connected to a suction machine --- claims it can replace surgical breast enlargement. But you had better have some time on your hands. Apparently, all m’lady has to do is wear it for 10 hours a day for 10 weeks. Presto! A/B cups morph into C/D cups, sans knife, surgeon, recovery period, or great expense. And not to worry! It’s all connected to a micro computer that won’t make you too large. The system is advertised in Britain at 790 pounds, which amounts to $1,539 U.S. smackers. Read more.

7.Lip Pumper

Not only Hans and Franz from the old Saturday Night Live “vanted to pump you up.” Yet another plastic surgery device -- pictured above -- claims it can pump up your actual kissers. And you don’t have to use it for 10 hours a day to get lip augmentation!

8.Breast Implants for Tattoos

(Remember, we are not making this up.) But the leading technique of getting real curves for his tattoo of a woman, turned out to be -- no pun intended -- a bust. Seems a non-surgeon put the tiny implants under the tattoo but left behind some nasty superbugs that created a raging infection. Plus, one of the implants, not having much wiggle room, broke under the skin. Result? More infection! Kinda makes you think Dodo birds have not really gone away.

9.The Plastic Surgery Freeway

The Beverly Hills Freeway has been built to ease and speed the flow of traffic in and through Beverly Hills (the world Mecca of Plastic Surgery.) So, while you’re zipping along at 70 mph, you can easily see the names of some of the city’s favorite off-ramps, like “Tummy Tuck Drive” and “Liposuction Place.” Most people just call it the Plastic Surgery Freeway.

Okay, thanks for bearing with us but you’ve been had! (It’s really a picture of a refrigerator magnet.) While everything else here is 100 percent true, we did make this one up. However, do you think it’s possible that someday we might build a Plastic Surgery Freeways in other hot spots like Miami, Manhattan, Brazil, Korea, Nashville, and Columbus, Ohio?

10.Plastic Surgery Glue

Why go see a plastic surgeon when you can just pick up some droopy or wrinkled skin and glue it in back in place? (Is this for real?) And, hey, don’t you just love that it works to the last drop? I always get so miffed when that final drop of anything lets go!