Plastic Surgery for Pooches

Yearly, some appearance-challenged canine is named top dog in the World’s Ugliest Dog Contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Petaluma, California. (Read more.)

Gus, a Chinese Crested, won for 2008 even though he has had a rough row to hoe in life. He has lost one leg to disease, one eye in a cat fight, a handful of teeth due to chewing on countless bones, and a furry coat due to heredity; after all, he is a hairless Chinese crested dog. Gus was simply born to be as ugly as a mud fence.

Nonetheless, his owners think Gus, pictured below, is precious.


Gus relaxing at home
(iStock photo)

2007’s winner was even more revolting. Also a Chinese Crested, Elwood, pictured below, won that year, perhaps because he is even more crested and has even less hair than Gus. You have to admit that when it comes to looks, Elwood is also just a real dog.


Elwood, 2007’s Top Ugly Dog
(Canada News Photo)

A Plastic Surgeon for Dogs

Anyhow, there’s somebody we would like Gus and Elwood to meet -- Brazilian doctor Vet Elgado Brito, a big proponent of pet plastic surgery.

To the Brazilian way of thinking, if you make people beautiful, hey, why not make their “animal companions” beautiful, too? Works for me! (As long as the creature is house broken; there’s no way that beauty alone makes up for, well, you’ve got the picture by now.)

Botox and Breast Augmentations

Dr. Brito has used Botox to straighten inverted doggy eyelashes so that Fido’s eyeball is not irritated. Among other cosmetic surgery, the South America doc has even performed canine breast augmentation by tightening mammillae of female dogs before beauty contests so that the dogs could take part in the type of contests in which good looks -- and not vile features -- are judged. (Read more about Dr. Brito.)


The owners of this Sharpei wanted Botox
to remove the dog’s wrinkles
but could not afford 1,500 vials of Botox.
(iStock.xchng photo)

But if you look closely enough, others are making unsightly animals more attractive, too.

Rhinoplasty and Eyelid lifts

The Animal Medical Center of Southern California requires a medical reason for cosmetic treatments on animals; nonetheless, the work often results in an eyelift, facelift, rhinoplasty or abdominoplasty, a procedure we Homo Sapiens fondly call a “tummy tuck.” However, liposuction is out, partly because dogs don’t mind being fat.

If your “animal companion” is a Pug, Bulldog or a Boston terrier, breeds in which breathing problems are common, the mutt may be eligible for rhinoplasty. Sharpeis and Chows often have a congenital defect that make their eyelids roll inwards, causing the eye winkers to rub the eye, perhaps resulting in scratches. The solution? A canine style eyelid lift.

Lip Augmentation

And there is the heart-warming case of Feznick, a 75-pound gray kangaroo who lives at a farm for Hollywood animal actors. Feznick was bitten on the face by his neighbor, a wolf and fellow actor when he, Feznick, poked his snout into the next cage. That left the ‘Roo with a snarling lip and totally unsuitable for his close-ups. So, back in 2006, a vet named Dr. Wolff (really!) repaired Feznick’s lip with a little cosmetic surgery described much like the human procedure, “except with a lot more hair.” (Read more.)


This Kangaroo isn’t Feznick (we could not afford
his picture!) but another Kangaroo who is available
for movies and commercials. (His day job is being an
attraction at a petting zoo.)

Top 10 Most Outrageous Plastic Surgery Items

In any new industry, many novelty items are developed early, and quickly put into use by adoring fans and then go the way of the Dodo bird.

For instance, cars once had little ovens attached to their exhaust manifolds for cooking while you travel. When steam powered cars were popular, just after the turn of the 19th century, one thoughtful auto maker installed a steam-powered organ as a pricey option in the backseat.

But, alas, roadside restaurants came into vogue, eliminating the need for cooking while driving and car radios made any type of traveling musical instrument unneeded.

You can find the same trend taking place in rejuvenation surgery worldwide.

So, if you don’t look quick, these top 10 plastic surgery novelty items may be gone before you know it:

1. Breast Massage Robot

(Inventorspot.com illustration.)

Its purpose doesn’t seem real clear, but this machine from China purports to automatically massage the breasts of the person sitting in it. One of its supposed uses is to relieve the post-op pain associated with breast augmentation.

2.Cool Mask

(Aqueduct Medical photo)

Sure, you could do the job with a bag of frozen peas flopped on rejuvenated eyelids or a freshly lifted mid-face, but it’s much cooler -- both stylistically and thermally -- to circulate cold water through a high-tech device to remove any surgical sting. Besides that, what’s wrong with going incognito? Do you want everybody to know about your surgery? The incognito thing apparently worked well for Zorro and the “Phantom of the Opera”; let’s just hope bank robbers don’t start using them!

3.Patented Baldness Technique

(Inventorspot.com illustration)

Another invention registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office lays claim to the technique we now know as the “combover” to conceal baldness. Sure, you could call it The Donald Trump, but that name is also trademarked and copyright protected. And woe betide he or she who misuses that moniker! The Donald would hire you just for the pleasure of firing you!

4.Traveling Hair Scrap Book

(Academy of Natural Sciences photo)

While we’re on the topic of hair, one thing every school child has always wanted to see: 200-year-old locks of hair from the first 12 U.S. presidents. Those snippets were taken long before anybody ever thought of hair restoration or, apparently, hair dye. For instance, George Washington’s sample is brown-gray, while Thomas Jefferson’s locks are reddish-gray. Titles weren’t exactly nailed down yet either. The second U.S. president was known as “His Excellency, John Adams.” Monroe, John Quincy Adams, and Jackson were also “His Excellencies.”

5.Roll CIT device

(Des Fernandes, M.D. photo)

If you perceive this to be a shrunken model of the lawn device that rolls across your grass to create drainage holes, you’ve got the concept. But this gizmo is approved for home use; you just roll this across your face as it is slathered with some vitamin A and other minerals. The Roll CIT (“Collagen Induction Therapy”) apparently replaces the need for chemical peels, dermabrasion or laser ablation. The device makes hundreds of tiny needle holes to allow fresh collagen to flow to the surface, thereby removing sun damages, fine lines, wrinkles, acne scars, and other facial marring.

6.Vacuum Pump Breast Augmentation

(Daily Mirror photo)

Above, notice we’ve carefully airbrushed the model’s actual, ah, mammary glands to make this fit for family viewing. The vacuum device -- basically two plastic domes connected to a suction machine --- claims it can replace surgical breast enlargement. But you had better have some time on your hands. Apparently, all m’lady has to do is wear it for 10 hours a day for 10 weeks. Presto! A/B cups morph into C/D cups, sans knife, surgeon, recovery period, or great expense. And not to worry! It’s all connected to a micro computer that won’t make you too large. The system is advertised in Britain at 790 pounds, which amounts to $1,539 U.S. smackers. Read more.

7.Lip Pumper

Not only Hans and Franz from the old Saturday Night Live “vanted to pump you up.” Yet another plastic surgery device -- pictured above -- claims it can pump up your actual kissers. And you don’t have to use it for 10 hours a day to get lip augmentation!

8.Breast Implants for Tattoos

(Remember, we are not making this up.) But the leading technique of getting real curves for his tattoo of a woman, turned out to be -- no pun intended -- a bust. Seems a non-surgeon put the tiny implants under the tattoo but left behind some nasty superbugs that created a raging infection. Plus, one of the implants, not having much wiggle room, broke under the skin. Result? More infection! Kinda makes you think Dodo birds have not really gone away.

9.The Plastic Surgery Freeway

The Beverly Hills Freeway has been built to ease and speed the flow of traffic in and through Beverly Hills (the world Mecca of Plastic Surgery.) So, while you’re zipping along at 70 mph, you can easily see the names of some of the city’s favorite off-ramps, like “Tummy Tuck Drive” and “Liposuction Place.” Most people just call it the Plastic Surgery Freeway.

Okay, thanks for bearing with us but you’ve been had! (It’s really a picture of a refrigerator magnet.) While everything else here is 100 percent true, we did make this one up. However, do you think it’s possible that someday we might build a Plastic Surgery Freeways in other hot spots like Miami, Manhattan, Brazil, Korea, Nashville, and Columbus, Ohio?

10.Plastic Surgery Glue

Why go see a plastic surgeon when you can just pick up some droopy or wrinkled skin and glue it in back in place? (Is this for real?) And, hey, don’t you just love that it works to the last drop? I always get so miffed when that final drop of anything lets go!

Plastic Surgery and the Dating Scene

Some of the “Milestone” events for getting plastic surgery are often for:

*Weddings



If the happy couple is lucky, the pictures will be handed down for generations. (The other 50 percent will eventually cut their despicable ex out of the wedding photos and go on from there.)

So everybody -- especially the mother of the bride -- wants to look sharp. (Here’s a website that follows wedding participants who spring for a pre-nuptial nip or tuck: Lovegevity.)

*Reunions



Suddenly, it’s 25 years later and your old classmates are taking turns telling you how great you look. The 1978 class babe (or stud) is staring at you, wondering how did I ever let her (or him) get away? Considering the dog the high school babe is currently with, you can bet your bottom dollar the former flame is kicking her-or-himself. And you? Lots of cosmetic plastic surgery. Priceless! Read more about plastic surgery and reunions.



*Returning to Dating

(Or, Finding the Sweaty T-shirt that Trips your Trigger!)

So, after many decades, you’ve freed yourself from the old ball and chain. Plus, the kids are off to college and the nest is empty. (Except between jobs and bad marriages, of course.)

Next big step: You’ve signed up with an online dating service and are looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, the person you should really be with. But you also find a big Gulp! stuck in your throat. You’re nervous about your heretofore ignored appearance so you visit a plastic surgeon.

For guys, it’s usually getting the love handles taken off, maybe a little gynecomastia surgery, perhaps an eyelid lift. New-to-dating women usually ask about a tummy tuck, other breast procedures and a face lift.

However, a new dating service thinks perhaps you can skip the knife altogether. Instead, they want you to sniff your new love interest and find the smell pleasant. Even if no soap and shower has been applied! More.

ScientificMatch.com takes a dab of your DNA and, uses a process with a tongue twisting name, “Major Histocompatibility Complex.” The technology then finds a match whose scent is pleasing to you. Of course, the other likes and dislikes are included in your profile which excludes people with scents like yours.

It’s based on real science.

In one famous study, women preferred the smell of T-shirts from men whose genes were most different from their own. Really! In exact, proper scientific language, it’s known as the “Sweaty T-shirt Experiment.” Read more.



All you do for the DNA test is rub the inside of your cheek with a cotton swab.

(Sorry, gals, nothing can be done about the smell of the gene that causes football watching all weekend. And, guys, researchers are still working on locating that mysterious female shopping gene which appears to be connected to the shoe-buying gene.)



Declares Eric Holzle, ScientificMatch.com founder: “DNA matching is the chemistry of our service while values matching is the heart.

“When you share chemistry with someone, you’ll love their natural body fragrance,” he says. “They’ll smell sexier than other people.”

And, hey, don’t sweat it if you sign up. First dates do not require wearing on old T-shirt

What are your best first date stories?