Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Can “Miracle” Plastic Surgery Tape Beat Actual Surgery?

We recently found a likely alternative to expensive and time-consuming plastic surgery in the form of inexpensive beauty tape. For only $14.95 a roll, (plus a small charge for delivery right to your doorstep) the smart consumer can him-or-herself apply a secret formula tape that literally strips away the years, according to information about the tape.

To scientifically test it for our readers, Chas., chief correspondent for your humble blog, was volunteered for the experiment.
Chas. has a 28-year-old son going on about, oh, 11 or 12, so there are considerable, deep worry lines on his, Chas.’s, forehead. Lots of tape there.

He is also an editor who reads and writes tiny lines of print all day so he squints all the time. More tape on and near the eyes.
Chas. has additionally -- and unwisely -- spent far too much time in the sun, so lots and lots of tape goes on his mid face. And just in case anything else threatens to droop or sag, we carefully followed the instructions and put generous amounts of the plastic surgery tape everywhere else to insure a completely positive patient outcome.

Chas. as he normally looks.

Our subject has been instructed to keep the special tape in precisely determined positions for exactly 20 minutes to obtain the maximum possible cosmetic results. He reported little to no pain while wearing the tape.

Voila! Look at the difference! The tape has magically swept away 25 years! Is not life in a highly technological society a wondrous, amazing thing?


So, does the plastic surgery tape really work? Should we recommend it to our many readers who are also interested in surgical rejuvenation? As well as saving time and money? Of course, we would not be so bold as to skew the outcome by judging our own test.

So we organized a panel of 10 highly placed expert plastic surgeons -- representing almost 300 years of higher education and a combined I.Q. of 14,000 -- to study all the data in question, analyze the pictures and draft a carefully considered and worded analysis to officially judge our test.

They wrote: “Would you people also buy the Brooklyn Bridge on the Internet?”

(O.K., time to ‘fess up. You’ve been had! Thanks for bearing with us, but the “after” picture was actually taken 25 years ago when our subject was a junior in college. I know it’s hard to believe, but the tape did not do a thing except slim down our wallet.)

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