Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Top 8 Far-Out Uses for Breast Implants

The world is filled with the results of unintended consequences. Sure, you can use cat litter to provide traction on an icy sidewalk, but whoever thought so many unintended uses for breast implants would crop up? We present the top eight:

1. Book Title

To win a $100,000 bet, Brian Zembic stepped up when another gambler put up the cash against Brian keeping 38C breast implants in his chest for one year. (Tip for guys: Women were fascinated and not the least bit put off by the enhancement. Maybe having a beefy chest is not such a bad thing, after all? Maybe forget the gynecomastia surgery?) The outcome? Brian became $100,000 richer and then was featured in the book, Man with the $100,000 Breasts. More. Casting for the movie continues but, so far, every leading actor has turned the role down because none wants to be seen with a bustline.

2. Airbags

Perhaps inspired by a Bulgarian woman whose 40 DD breast implants served as airbags and saved her life in a car crash, Japanese technology company Takata, the world’s leading supplier of auto safety belts, used a giant double implant template and came up with an improved air bag for cars. More

3. Man Pacifier

A San Francisco blogger known only as donnauwanna noted her life partner seemed to consider her breasts a source of comfort. So the clever donnauwanna decided to take matters into her own hands and created a squishy breast shaped stress reliever, modeled after one of her own. (We are NOT making this up. Read more.) Her fondest hope? “Maybe now he’ll leave me alone so I can get important things done!” Anyhow, here’s how to make one. But you really must want to do this because you start with a plaster cast of one breast. However, if the lady love is (understandably!) unwilling to slather her torso with cold, clammy plaster mix and sit still, waiting four hours for it to dry, some wives just toss their mates a silicone breast implant. Why? Silicone is like the real deal.

Of course, all this could easily be nipped in the bud because a new scholarly study found breast feeding can make kids more resilient to stress. More.

4. Ebay Sale

Mary Carey, an adult film start who ran for governor of California in 2003, put her 36 D implants (removed only because she wanted 36 DDD implant replacements ) up for sale on Ebay. As of January 8th, bidding was at U.S. $316.00. More.

5. Solve Crimes

A British murder victim was missing her hands and head when police found the body. But the woman had breast and buttocks implants, both of which carry serial numbers. The numbers cracked the case. More. Similar I.D.-by-breast-implant cases have taken place in New York and in Georgia.

6. Get-out-of-Army pass.

“ACHTUNG!! Today, D Cups! Tomorrow, Triple D Cups!”

(Actually, the headline reads: “The German Army will not allow my bustline.”

A German female soldier, 24-year-old Alessija Dorfmann, must leave the Army because she has D-cup size silicone breast implants. A German Army spokesman, Harald Kammerbauer, explained there is an increased risk of injury. More.

“I chust vanted to be all I can be,” lamented Alessija.

The case is under review so Fraulein/PFC Dorfman may be able to become the army medic, she signed up for after all.

7. A Curvy Tattoo

Above, Lane’s right leg. He is editor of
a body art and tattoo magazine in Edmonton, Alberta.

Thinking that a 2-D tat was too tame, Canadian Lane Jensen
asked a tattoo artist and wannabe surgeon to open his leg and surgically
implant tiny breast implants in the anatomically correct position of a
buxom woman tattoo. (Note: Do not try this at home. While these people were
totally untrained professionals working in a dangerous environment, they were lucky!
Lane still has his leg which is a miracle in itself!) More (without the
breast-or-leg man quips!)

8. Body Armor

(Photo by mzacha)

A woman’s silicone breast implants stopped a piece of shrapnel “inches from her heart” after a rocket attack in Israel. “The implants saved her life,” said an attending physician.

If you’re still interested in breast implants and how they are used by more-or-less “normal” people, read more about inserting breast implants through the belly button.

Next: Implants? Who needs ‘em anyhow? Chewing gum claims it can enhance breasts!

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